October 28, 2009
Destined to be a Wanderer
As long as I can remember, I have pondered what I wanted to 'be' when I grew up. When I was in elementary grades, I wanted to be an airline pilot - to fly those beautiful, shining jets into the endless blue landing in a different place at the end of every journey. I also contemplated being a doctor - helping solve mysterious ailments and helping others feel better, both physically and mentally. My teachers always chuckled at my aspirations. Who ever heard of a female pilot with coke-bottle-bottom glasses, anyway? And besides, I never lived up to my potential in the 3rd grade, how in the world would I ever amount to a physician?
As time moved forward I lost sight of dreams such as those, and turned to more immediate thoughts...clothes, dates, music, dancing. You know, the important things. In retrospect, it was a waste, a vapor. I barely escaped high school with a diploma in hand, only to find myself in a dead-end job. Destined to wander.
As I floated from steady to steady, house to apartment, job to job, I was wandering. No goals, no plans, no dreams. (Gosh, this is kind of depressing!) At some point an accidental soul convinced me to go to community college, which I did. I wasn't doing anything important, anyway...may as well give that a wander. Choosing classes that were not much of a challenge, I mucked around for a bit. I have never been one for homework, and have never really encountered studies that I would consider a challenge. Ah, the life of an overly-intelligent slacker. *snort*
At some point during that first quarter of college, I began to feel, well, mediocre. Did I really have more potential to live up to? I decided to find out by setting a goal of 4.0 for the remainder of the year. Yeah, I had to do some homework, but not much, to be honest. I indeed did prove to myself that I could meet the goal, if I wanted to. I'm glad to say I rose to the challenge. However, I was still wandering, still no direction.
I made the silly decision to get an office job instead of continuing for my AA degree. I signed on with a temporary job agency and was quite successful, always being called for jobs. I eventually wandered enough to end up at Boeing as an administrative assistant. Not bad for a wanderer, I suppose.
It was while working for Boeing that I met and eventually married my husband. OK, that would count as destiny, I think. Now I had a direction - wife and mother. A stay-at-home mom was my title and lot, since Rob and I both decided it was the only fair thing for the children. Religion, homeschooling and diapers...destiny, right?
So, here I am. I am halfway through my fourth decade and I see my destiny, at least part of it; to leave a legacy of wisdom and training to our three children. As they get older, I am feeling again as a wanderer. What will I do when they marry and leave home? Am I destined to pass to them the curse of the wanderer?
All this reminiscing leaves me to ponder the definition of destiny...
destiny, n.: an event (or a course of events) that will inevitably happen in the future
So, what is my destiny - are we to know? I still long to fly airplanes and am still contemplating the medical profession, although not as a physician. Do I have time to go back to school? Do I even want to? Am I just having a mid-life crisis?
Damn that restless spirit.
If I could pick a destiny, I imagine that it would consist of more adjectives than nouns: loyal, honest, faithful, wise, trustworthy, courageous and strong. But, somehow I long for more...but, what?
I guess my destiny remains to be seen.