October 28, 2009

Destined to be a Wanderer


As long as I can remember, I have pondered what I wanted to 'be' when I grew up. When I was in elementary grades, I wanted to be an airline pilot - to fly those beautiful, shining jets into the endless blue landing in a different place at the end of every journey. I also contemplated being a doctor - helping solve mysterious ailments and helping others feel better, both physically and mentally. My teachers always chuckled at my aspirations. Who ever heard of a female pilot with coke-bottle-bottom glasses, anyway? And besides, I never lived up to my potential in the 3rd grade, how in the world would I ever amount to a physician?

As time moved forward I lost sight of dreams such as those, and turned to more immediate thoughts...clothes, dates, music, dancing. You know, the important things. In retrospect, it was a waste, a vapor. I barely escaped high school with a diploma in hand, only to find myself in a dead-end job. Destined to wander.

As I floated from steady to steady, house to apartment, job to job, I was wandering. No goals, no plans, no dreams. (Gosh, this is kind of depressing!) At some point an accidental soul convinced me to go to community college, which I did. I wasn't doing anything important, anyway...may as well give that a wander. Choosing classes that were not much of a challenge, I mucked around for a bit. I have never been one for homework, and have never really encountered studies that I would consider a challenge. Ah, the life of an overly-intelligent slacker. *snort*

At some point during that first quarter of college, I began to feel, well, mediocre. Did I really have more potential to live up to? I decided to find out by setting a goal of 4.0 for the remainder of the year. Yeah, I had to do some homework, but not much, to be honest. I indeed did prove to myself that I could meet the goal, if I wanted to. I'm glad to say I rose to the challenge. However, I was still wandering, still no direction.

I made the silly decision to get an office job instead of continuing for my AA degree. I signed on with a temporary job agency and was quite successful, always being called for jobs. I eventually wandered enough to end up at Boeing as an administrative assistant. Not bad for a wanderer, I suppose.


It was while working for Boeing that I met and eventually married my husband. OK, that would count as destiny, I think. Now I had a direction - wife and mother. A stay-at-home mom was my title and lot, since Rob and I both decided it was the only fair thing for the children. Religion, homeschooling and diapers...destiny, right?

So, here I am. I am halfway through my fourth decade and I see my destiny, at least part of it; to leave a legacy of wisdom and training to our three children. As they get older, I am feeling again as a wanderer. What will I do when they marry and leave home? Am I destined to pass to them the curse of the wanderer?

All this reminiscing leaves me to ponder the definition of destiny...

destiny, n.: an event (or a course of events) that will inevitably happen in the future

So, what is my destiny - are we to know? I still long to fly airplanes and am still contemplating the medical profession, although not as a physician. Do I have time to go back to school? Do I even want to? Am I just having a mid-life crisis?

Damn that restless spirit.

If I could pick a destiny, I imagine that it would consist of more adjectives than nouns: loyal, honest, faithful, wise, trustworthy, courageous and strong. But, somehow I long for more...but, what?

I guess my destiny remains to be seen.

5 comments:

Ari C'rona said...

Well, my dear friend, I think you fulfill your destiny every day you live in some form or another - especially as you apply those awesome adjectives. Ah, for real Jedi training...

I'm grateful that our destinies follow the same path. :o)

Anonymous said...

"never really encountered studies that I would consider a challenge."

In the begining school is what you make of it. First you have interests, then you find subjects you are passionate about. If you find something that you are passionate about in an academic way, you'll welcome any challenges, because then you get to delve deeper.

J Antonelli said...

WOW!!! One of my favorite things in life is to read how people got from point A to point B...biographical stuff. It is important to me to learn how people make choices as I myself have made very few good ones in life. Thank you for sharing. I look forward to reading the rest of the story. I too am a wandering soul if you haven't already figured that out. :)

Mama Cache said...

When I think of you and the words "wander" and "direction" -- only one other word comes to mind:southeast! ;-)

I like your adjective vs. noun comparison . . . pursue the former, and the latter will follow, don't you think?

How I love listening to you think!

Nitrocat said...

If we are just pilgrim here, does it matter where we wander?

S