Looking backwards.

You can only do what you think is right at each moment as you live it.

Words of wisdom. Really, when you think about it, does it benefit anyone to dwell on the past? Oh, I know, we can probably learn from our mistakes, and even learn from the mistakes of others. But, for me, when I look back, all I see are ghosts.

Sometimes, I think about a special memory or a place in time, and wonder if it really happened at all. Isn't that strange how memories can turn to watercolor with time. Even tragic memories, especially tramatic events can fade and mellow with the passing of time. I remember when my toddler son drown in a pond in our front yard, and how tramatic that was. But, as I think about it now, did it ever really happen? My son is eight years old now, and you would never know that happened, except for the memory. Just recently, my Grandmother passed away, and I was privileged to be near her in death. Even that memory is beginning to fade and convert to ghosts.

I love to visit the ghosts that live at Cannon Beach; in fact, I think they wait for me to come and pay them a visit. There is the stranger that spoke to me as I was waiting to give a presentation to a women's conference. And I love to relive the interactions at Pizza Afetta with the two guys that used to run the place. I like to watch the not-yet-married couple of myself and my now husband, walking on the beach after a wonderful Thanksgiving meal oh so long ago. I watch as my ghost turns around and snaps a picture of a glorious sunset that still graces our bedroom. Oh, and I can't forget the women, some years later, that scolded me for taking my then 8-day old son for a walk-about on a wintery, Cannon Beach day.

There are ghosts other places, as well. I often visit the ghosts on the top of Masada; hearing the story told and watching my forefathers hide Torah scrolls and deciding on death instead of torture. I look into the ghostly eyes of my people there, and wonder if I will ever go back. A question only G-d knows the answer to. And I have to ask the question: did I really stand at the Wailing Wall and touch where so many others have touched and wept? Or is it just a wishful thought...

There are more modern ghosts, too, like the ones I have known and lost in my faith community. Voices I hear only in my head - never anymore in real life. I watch us dancing and singing, laughing and joking, eating and praying. Did all that happen, or is it just a figment of my imagination?

Wasn't it Ferris that said that 'life comes at you pretty fast'? He was right. Shall we spend valuable time looking backwards, visiting memories, or should we focus on the here and now, devoting ourselves to being the best we can be to those around us. Perhaps this is not an 'either-or'... perhaps it's a 'both-and'.

I agree with those words of wisdom, and do not have many regrets. But, I can't help looking back and remembering.

Sometimes, I feel like it's all we have.