A Different Perspective...on Dating
OK, so I've been pondering the whole 'dating' issue as of late. Yes, I am married and not looking to date anyone. So, you ask, why am I pondering this?
In my community, we don't condone dating. I guess to 'not condone' something, you must define it. Dating, in my view, would be meeting someone randomly and then deciding to meet again, not so randomly. The classic dinner & a movie, picnic, day trip - that would consitute a date in my mind. After a couple of dates, said couple would then have a pretty good feel whether this union is going to work for them. (For the sake of argument, I am going to assume that this couple is not going to have any intimiate relations until marriage, which I think is a wise choice of action.)
What's wrong with that?? I dated, my parents dated, all of my friends (both married and divorced) dated, all the people I have ever respected dated... it seems to work, right? The argument against dating says that dating sets up a establish-intimacy-then-break-up cycle. It's the break-up part that seems to be the problem, as it mimicks divorce on all levels; emotional, physical, and social. And, just for the record, divorce is painful both at the time of the event and until you die. Period.
So, I have witnessed an interesting change in dating. In the 50's and 60's, it seemed that a young woman could date John one night and Dave the next, and no one would be offended. That was how dating worked; the guy didn't assume that the gal was 'bound' to him until such time that they agreed that they were serious. This meant that our young woman did not have to give her heart away until she was ready. Somewhere between this innocent view of dating and now, the scene has changed. When I was in high school, I went 'steady' with my boyfriend; that meant that I didn't date anyone else, and let me tell you, it was a lot like being married. And, in retrospect, the young women that didn't 'go steady', but dated whomever they chose, were viewed as not having as high of morals as the rest of us (if you know what I mean). I absolutely would not recommend going steady, or having a steady boyfriend, to any young woman who is not ready to be married. Pretty black and white, huh?
I have recently witnessed this dating up close and personal. In one situation, the couple has only been dating a few weeks, but they are very intimate with each other with public displays of affection, and both say they are "in a relationship". I take this to mean that they are not actively seeking out anyone else and that they are, in a way, betrothed to each other. Except without the vow, of course. What happens if it doesn't end up working out? Then, here is where the divorce part comes in. And who will be hurt? Both would be my answer.
Another situation is equally as bothersome; an online dating service was utilized and a match was made with disasterous results. However, with this situation, intimacy and a faux marriage relationship was established right away, at least until the marriage ceremony could be enacted. This gave the young woman absolutely no freedom to think logically about her choice; she was smothered by this 'going steady' situation that gave her no breathing room.
OK, so now back to our community situation. We are a rather closed community and have several young people who are rather anxious to meet that special someone and start a family. However, the problem arises when they are not interested in anyone they see in our community. Now what? Pray and hope for the best? Have leaders go outside the community and solicit young men and women to visit our shul? Visit other shuls to search out prospective mates for our children?
The best scenerio would be that our children would establish friendship bonds with the others in their age group within the shul. After years of friendship, and as they mature, they naturally gravitate towards each other and can begin courtship...supervised, of course. The families are well aquainted and share basic beliefs, so the union is destined for success. But, this is a happy little bubble I live in - I just don't see this happening except for the blessed few. So where does that leave the rest?
I am not sure if I totally am ready to throw the dating idea out the window. Dating can serve a good purpose; getting to know each other while having a good time together, but without the strings of a steady, serious relationship. Dating facilitates the opportunity to build friendship; I firmly believe that couples must be friends prior to being husband and wife (liking someone and loving someone are two different things, in my view). However, the current definition of dating, as what I have seen lately, doesn't seem healthy... it seems more desperate and short-sighted.
My children are now 14, 12 and 9, and I am thinking about the time when they will start looking to find their special someone to marry. Will they want to date? Now, they say no - we don't believe in dating. But, when they get there, will their attitudes change? Will they be willing to be passive about it and just wait for someone to show up? Or will they want to take a proactive role in finding their mate?
I hope that I will be able to help them navigate that time, as I helped with their first steps and learning to read. But, how will I feel if they want to date? And if I voice my disapproval, will I be OK with them dating behind my back? Would I have set my children up for rebellion?
Perhaps our ancestors had it right... matchmakers might be the way to go.
Or not.
In my community, we don't condone dating. I guess to 'not condone' something, you must define it. Dating, in my view, would be meeting someone randomly and then deciding to meet again, not so randomly. The classic dinner & a movie, picnic, day trip - that would consitute a date in my mind. After a couple of dates, said couple would then have a pretty good feel whether this union is going to work for them. (For the sake of argument, I am going to assume that this couple is not going to have any intimiate relations until marriage, which I think is a wise choice of action.)
What's wrong with that?? I dated, my parents dated, all of my friends (both married and divorced) dated, all the people I have ever respected dated... it seems to work, right? The argument against dating says that dating sets up a establish-intimacy-then-break-up cycle. It's the break-up part that seems to be the problem, as it mimicks divorce on all levels; emotional, physical, and social. And, just for the record, divorce is painful both at the time of the event and until you die. Period.
So, I have witnessed an interesting change in dating. In the 50's and 60's, it seemed that a young woman could date John one night and Dave the next, and no one would be offended. That was how dating worked; the guy didn't assume that the gal was 'bound' to him until such time that they agreed that they were serious. This meant that our young woman did not have to give her heart away until she was ready. Somewhere between this innocent view of dating and now, the scene has changed. When I was in high school, I went 'steady' with my boyfriend; that meant that I didn't date anyone else, and let me tell you, it was a lot like being married. And, in retrospect, the young women that didn't 'go steady', but dated whomever they chose, were viewed as not having as high of morals as the rest of us (if you know what I mean). I absolutely would not recommend going steady, or having a steady boyfriend, to any young woman who is not ready to be married. Pretty black and white, huh?
I have recently witnessed this dating up close and personal. In one situation, the couple has only been dating a few weeks, but they are very intimate with each other with public displays of affection, and both say they are "in a relationship". I take this to mean that they are not actively seeking out anyone else and that they are, in a way, betrothed to each other. Except without the vow, of course. What happens if it doesn't end up working out? Then, here is where the divorce part comes in. And who will be hurt? Both would be my answer.
Another situation is equally as bothersome; an online dating service was utilized and a match was made with disasterous results. However, with this situation, intimacy and a faux marriage relationship was established right away, at least until the marriage ceremony could be enacted. This gave the young woman absolutely no freedom to think logically about her choice; she was smothered by this 'going steady' situation that gave her no breathing room.
OK, so now back to our community situation. We are a rather closed community and have several young people who are rather anxious to meet that special someone and start a family. However, the problem arises when they are not interested in anyone they see in our community. Now what? Pray and hope for the best? Have leaders go outside the community and solicit young men and women to visit our shul? Visit other shuls to search out prospective mates for our children?
The best scenerio would be that our children would establish friendship bonds with the others in their age group within the shul. After years of friendship, and as they mature, they naturally gravitate towards each other and can begin courtship...supervised, of course. The families are well aquainted and share basic beliefs, so the union is destined for success. But, this is a happy little bubble I live in - I just don't see this happening except for the blessed few. So where does that leave the rest?
I am not sure if I totally am ready to throw the dating idea out the window. Dating can serve a good purpose; getting to know each other while having a good time together, but without the strings of a steady, serious relationship. Dating facilitates the opportunity to build friendship; I firmly believe that couples must be friends prior to being husband and wife (liking someone and loving someone are two different things, in my view). However, the current definition of dating, as what I have seen lately, doesn't seem healthy... it seems more desperate and short-sighted.
My children are now 14, 12 and 9, and I am thinking about the time when they will start looking to find their special someone to marry. Will they want to date? Now, they say no - we don't believe in dating. But, when they get there, will their attitudes change? Will they be willing to be passive about it and just wait for someone to show up? Or will they want to take a proactive role in finding their mate?
I hope that I will be able to help them navigate that time, as I helped with their first steps and learning to read. But, how will I feel if they want to date? And if I voice my disapproval, will I be OK with them dating behind my back? Would I have set my children up for rebellion?
Perhaps our ancestors had it right... matchmakers might be the way to go.
Or not.
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