That is my practice.

All beings are the owners of their intentions, actions, and results.

Their level of happiness depends upon their actions, not on my wishes for them.

May we all accept things as they are.

May we be undisturbed by the comings and goings of events.

I care for you but cannot keep you from suffering.

I wish you happiness but cannot make your choices for you.

No matter what I wish for, things are as they are.

It seems to me that there are two sides to the concept of equanimity: dealing with our own expectations and reactions to happenings, and holding a balanced view of happenings in the lives of others. I have a long history of suffering for others and have struggled to maintain balance. I have tried to help, advise, make way, bear their burden, ‘take the hit,’ and be available to all who are in need, often to my own detriment. It is my intention for the above mantras to become so familiar and practiced that they will become my go-to response to the pain, suffering, and seemingly unavoidable drama that arises.

Dealing with my own expectations and finding balance began with the startling realization that expectations cause suffering. I now strongly believe and observe this to be true and am continually practicing awareness of my own expectations. It is difficult to extinguish expectations and hopes, and to not attach to dreams. Keeping my focus on the present, along with moment-by-moment gratitude, is helping to prevent the inevitable suffering and narrative creation of dashed expectations. That all sounds nice, but the struggle is real and ongoing.

I regularly make use of a phrase that arose out of a need for acceptance. It was during a dark period of my journey that I hate to revisit … years ago now; in that time, everyday held ongoing trouble and hurt, so I started responding by saying, “it’s not a good thing or a bad thing, it’s just a thing.” This phrase enabled me to keep walking in those days. It became a mantra for me, a way to release myself from the burden of having to make a judgment. It’s an amazing thing to be free of the obligation of judgment. I didn’t know it at the time, nor have given it much thought in the hundreds of times I have repeated it since, but that is equanimity. That is my practice.