As sleep fades, my mind awakens, ramping up the swirling that has been my life for the past four months.
No one can truly understand the emotional journey that others travel. Only the traveler can feel the heart race, the blood pound, the cold sweat and the debilitating despair that a dark, difficult season can evoke. Very few words of comfort or counsel can deflect the anxiety and hopelessness that is the result of circumstances just out of reach of our control.
Grief. Recently, I heard someone say that grief is a love word. I would agree with that; deep, heartfelt grief only comes at the loss of loved ones, ones that are such a part of our identity that their leaving rips a hole so deep in our spirit that we will never be the same. Never.
And that leads me to consider attachment...again. Somehow, I want to think that we are in control of what we 'attach' ourselves to, but I'm beginning to suspect that we have no choice in the matter. People enter our lives by the hand of the Almighty, and He alone determines the bonds created, maintained...sustained. I suppose some are stronger than I to sever those bonds at will. I have done that very thing in the past and very well know what ghosts are left behind. Unanswered questions, unresolved situations.
Perhaps it's just my age speaking. Being middle-aged, I've mellowed considerably from the fresh ambition and reckless drive of my youth. I now see the consequences clearer prior to the decision, similar to the toddler that touches the hot stove after the warning. That's not to say that the consequences are always easy to see...far from it. As I tumble end over end from the choices made, by both myself and others, I marvel at how quickly things can become tangled, seemingly unfixable.
Words bounce around in my head. Words like choices and motivation. Apologies and repentance. Loyalty and honesty. Intent.
A long road. And, what is it that drives the hiker to continue up the steep, rocky path? I suppose it is the hope that at the top they will be rewarded with a sweeping, breathtaking view of creation that few get the privilege of experiencing. On the path, however, the hiker does not know how long the steep path will be or if he will be able to endure it - taking the word of others that have gone before as to what awaits them at the top. Taking it on faith.
Would it be too cocky to get my camera ready?