December 2, 2009

Self-Centered


Nothing is wrong...except that it is cold.

Oh, I suppose it could be colder. I must just have a low tolerance for the winter chill. It has begun in earnest, the stumbling over the keyboard that happens when my fingers are just not as nimble as when they are warm.

Everything is great...only it's grey and oppressive. At least it is in my head. Do strong people get depressed? Surely not. I have been threatening the purchase of a sunlight lamp in hopes of beating the winter blues thing. But, how can I explain my melancholy when it's sunny and clear outside? I was even out in it earlier, but it just didn't seem to brighten my view.

I'm content...except for those little naggy issues of criticism and judgment that seem to keep hangin' around. Ah well, they are just going to have to be ignored, I suppose. If I ignore them long enough, will they give up and go away?

I'm thankful for the day...but this time of year is not the best for me. Every year I slump into a mild depression, limping from one obligation to another, longing for the spring. Last year I could actually feel the burden lift as the months ticked towards May, June. I don't know a solution, unless you can speed up time.

I know I'm loved...so, just exactly what is it that I'm longing for? More souls to care about me and inquire if my day went well? More suggestions, more sympathy? Nah, while I appreciate the support, it just doesn't seem to make things any better...in my head, anyway.

So, if nothing is wrong, everything is great, I'm content and have friends who care, what's my problem? Is it my old companion boredom again? The curse of the restless spirit making it's presence known? Perhaps.

They say the cure for depression and selfishness is to focus, help, love and give to others. I don't discount that, but actually I'm just wondering if a new venue is needed - new scenery, fresh perspectives. Maybe that would do the trick. I guess I won't know, since nothing is changing anytime soon.

I think everyone walks this path at some point. In those times, everything takes on a grey cast, like it's moving in slow motion - the same familiar words and actions warped into the ridiculous. Staying motivated to do what needs to be done during these times is most challenging, to be sure. Is it a sickness in need of a cure? Oh, I don't know...it is possible that it just needs to run it's course.

I'm simply hoping that course doesn't take three months.

The life of the creative man is lead, directed and controlled by boredom. Avoiding boredom is one of our most important purposes.
~Saul Steinberg