March 23, 2009

Ever feel empty?


Ever get to a place where you feel completely void? Moving through your day, conversing, giving, doing, fulfilling your duties, but feel completely numb to the effects...buffeted, as it were, by the daily grind?
"Adventure…excitement…a Jedi craves not these things."
I have found myself in a funk as of late, and can't seem to shake it. Sure, I'm excited about our new sabers and looking forward to heading to the coast in a few weeks. Passover is quickly approaching and with it much planning that I need enthusiasm for, but I just can't get it going. Stuck in neutral, I think...and no amount of revving the engine seems to be effective.

Perhaps it's too much talking, or not enough. Maybe I just need some time to myself; somehow I just can't seem to make myself just get to that place, though. The thought has occurred to me that I do not function well within too much structure, and perhaps that is my problem. Week in, week out the same tedium just kills me a little at a time. Monday is the same, Tuesday is the same, etc., etc. The same conversations, the same struggles, the same, same, same. Ugh! (OK, I think I've hit on my problem!)

So the next step is a solution...but what would that be? I'm surrounded by schedule-oriented people, to be sure. How did that happen? Everyone I love and care for are A-OK with structure and predictability; in fact, they thrive on it. They can happily eat, think, do the same things every day and be perfectly happy - how can that be?? I'm dying just thinking about it.

Yup, empty. I just don't have anything left to give, don't want to talk about it, and don't really know how to fix it at this point. I have been patiently waiting for it to pass, but that hasn't happened yet.
What is terrible is to pretend that the second-rate is first-rate, that you don't need love when you do or that you like your work, when you know quite well you're capable of better. (Doris Lessing)
The "glass half-full" in me knows this, too, will pass. Until it does, I'm praying for...well, just praying.