If Things Had Happened Differently

If things had happened differently, I would still be stuck in my craft room on South Hill. I would still be dealing with struggling, broken people, hearing the same old tired stories, and thinking the same old tired thoughts.

If things had happened differently, I would have gone to Barb’s funeral, I would have never sent that resignation letter, I would…might…still be sitting in the front row, still coordinating the festivals, and definitely be unutterably bored and stagnant.

If things had happened differently, I would not have grown. Or possibly, something more mundane could have happened…I could have never gone to school, never met some amazing professors, and never racked up so much school debt. I would have never realized I could achieve summa cum laude, learn great things, and think great thoughts. I might have never dreamed of working towards a masters, or dreamed of attaining a Ph.D. All of that would have never happened, if all that happened never did.

If things would have happened differently, I may still have been mired in clinical depression. If I had continued anti-depressants, my brain wouldn’t be as functional as it is now. I may have never lost those extra pounds or grown my hair long. I would have never traveled to Greece, walked in amazing places, or challenged myself to learning new languages. If I hadn’t made the choices I did, I would have never known love as deeply as I know now, or known the potential that was deep within me.

If things had happened differently, I wouldn’t be sitting looking at a beautiful sunny sky over a glorious Grand Canal. I wouldn’t have a sweet, sun-bathed office where all my needs are met. I wouldn’t be able to breathe. I wouldn’t be living - only surviving.

I am glad things happened differently than what was expected for me. I am glad that I took a chance, dreamed big dreams, stepped outside the rules, built a costume, did crazy things, and met fantastic and talented people. I am a better person because of it all. Honestly, if things had happened differently, I cannot really predict what would have happened, but I don’t anticipate it to be good, at least as good as it is now.

Now I get to breathe.
Now I have the privilege to learn, grow, and explore.
To laugh, and love, without judgement.

Now I am really living.